Perhaps the fact that this is a vampire should be explanation enough, but seriously. Why are you seeking my throat? Stay away from my throat! And as if one throatseeker wasn’t bad enough: This one’s not a vampire, so I don’t even know what its issue is. Probably not good. At least this one’s chained…
Author Archives: davidlferrell
Reason #4,641: Drowning in a cistern
Welcome back to Ravnica’s sewers, folks. This one’s kind of gross. Seems like a really bad way to go. Also, that poor horse! Based on the flavor text, though, it sounds like rot farming is a thing in Ravnica? So, it seems safe to assume that there a nontrivial amount of these sorts of filth …
Reason #746: Can we cut it out with the knives?
Well, here we are back on Dominaria, and look what we have. Another dingus running around with an egregious amount of sharp things. Remember when your mom told you not to run with scissors? That principle applies to knives and chains with spikes and hooks…and scythes…uh…and spiked balls… . Oh dear…
Reason #745: Too many knives
I’m just gonna throw it out there and say this doesn’t look very safe. This guy is definitely running with very sharp objects. To his credit, he does appear to be keeping them with the blade pointed down. But still. I’m counting maybe 25 knives this dude is openly carrying on his person? Can you …
Reason #2,099: The Sengir family
I’m just gonna go out on a limb here…oh gosh, that was entirely unintentional. Really. Let’s try again. I’m just gonna make a guess, but that fellow looks pretty healthy, so he’s probably not being prepped for surgery. Aaaaaaand I’m also gonna guess that the fellow wearing the skull isn’t a tattoo artist. Aaaaaand the …
Reason #9,713: Not even planeswalkers are immune to waterfalls
Also, this Vraska character sounds like a real nice character. Although maybe she’s turned over a new leaf here or something? Still. Anyway. Vraska: “Uh, oh.” Jace: “Don’t tell me. We’re about to go over a huge waterfall.” Vraska: “Yup.” Jace: “Sharp rocks at the bottom?” Vraska: “Most likely.” Jace: “Bring it on. Booyaaaaaaaah-haahaahaaaaaaaaaaaah–“
Reason #9,082: Pernicious Fungus
The parasitic fungus known as cordyceps is grade-A, nightmare fuel. It infects a host body and replaces its tissue. In ants, for instance, the virus takes over the brain. The ant starts acting erratic, and the other ants will actually remove the infected member from the rest of the colony. As the cordyceps hijacks the …
Reason #3,655: You’ve been cleansed
Imagine you live on a plane. You and all sorts of other people. Elves. Robots. Giants slugs. One day, out of nowhere, your plane gets CLEANSED. Are the all caps there excessive? Admittedly I feel a little silly using them for emphasis, but look at that picture. I don’t know where all those people are …
Reason #17: Flying Sharks
Hmmm. What’s that there is the background? FLYING SHARKS. Or maybe they just got launched? You know, it doesn’t matter. Sharks are bad enough in the water. That’s a lot of sharks where they really don’t belong. Count me out.
Reason #787: Your city just got ransacked
“Why is the brutality so widespread?” you ask. Well, that’s because a zombie army just invaded the city of Ravnica. That zombie in the background is setting that house on fire. War generally has a highly negative impact on property values. It also has a highly positive impact on mortality rates. Move to Ravnica. Lose …
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10,000 Reasons Why the MTG Multiverse is a Terrible Place to Live 