Reason #3,770: There goes the sun.

They blot out the sun.

For five days.

And they yell the entire time.

I gotta ask: why in the world did Nicol Bolas want to conquer this plane? This place is stupid. Why would anyone want to live here? Ravnica is stupid! Nicol Bolas is stupid! This whole stupid multiverse is stupid!

I’m fine.

Reason #64: An armpit seems like a really bad place for a mouth.

Sorry, I meant face. That’s a whole face under there. Can’t say I’ve ever run into anyone in my world with a face in their armpit. Maybe you have, I don’t know. Feel kind of bad for this guy. If I had a face in my armpit, I don’t think I’d be very happy about it. Would you? I certainly don’t want a face in my armpit. Doesn’t seem like a real quality of life improvement there. Maybe you disagree with me. I don’t know. If you do, I guess maybe you should move to the MTG Multiverse, cause apparently armpit-faces are possible there. I wish you the best. I’m staying in this multiverse.

Reason #7,732: Destructible

So, something about this character really stands out to me. Can you guess what it is? Here’s a hint: all the other Kaldheim gods share this same characteristic.

That’s right. He doesn’t have the “indestructible” keyword in his playtext. You know what that means in lore terms? The gods of Kaldheim can die.

I can’t help but feel like our conceptions of divinity just are not moving in the right direction.

Reason #5,580: Not tempting

Do you want to go in there? I don’t want to go in there. Can’t say I see the appeal, and the odds of violent and painful death seem unreasonably high, considering where we are. Oh, those yellow bands are seams of gold? Probably magical gold that will melt your flesh off. You go in, if you want. I’m staying out here. Very far away.

Reason #7,731: Regression

Let me get this straight. We’re worshiping angels now? You do realize that’s a step DOWN from gods, right? And just to remind you, the gods around here are pretty terrible. Also, they’re weak; they can’t planeswalk. And you’re telling me that you want to worship something LOWER in the order of creation. Were the not-very-good gods too good?

You do see the problems in this line of reasoning, right?

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