Lots of spikes? Always in a foul mood? I’d say that’d make the list.
Reason #6,919: Guess what!
If you guessed cannibalism, you win!
What’s your prize?
Reason #8,894: The Rakdos cult is full of evil, evil people.
I suppose one could debate what a rusalka is, and that could change how one interprets this situation. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe they’re closer to the malevolent, nature spirits of Slavic folklore. Looking at the flavor text on the rest of the cards in the rusalka cycle from the Guildpack expansion, it seems to me like MTG rusalka are the ghosts of people, ones who all seem to have met tragic ends. Perhaps that’s why they stuck around.
Is anyone else actually reading this stuff? These cultists just hung a child for fun, they did it in public, and they got away with it. This is the kind of stuff that I don’t like about the world building in MTG. Sometimes this horrible stuff just feels horrible for the sake of being horrible. When you put stuff like this up beside all the other absurdly, near-comically awful things in the MTG Multiverse and the dumpster-fire mishmash that is MTG’s cosmology and metaphysics, this comes off as hollow and nihilistic.
This kind of awful isn’t just a cold, uncaring universe at work. This is the darkness hiding in the heart of man.
Plenty of stuff makes me just shake my head; as often as not, the Rakdos cult comes off as ridiculously self-destructive and stupid. Nobody can effectively use as many knives as they try to. But this…murdering kids for sport?
Yeah. I’m not entertained.
Reason #88: Things you can do with children
So you summoned the gingerbread twins, cause you thought that would be a good idea. They gave you some stolen food. While you were doing that, an enemy wizard summoned this goon. And now this goon is trying to murder you. You checked your health; that thing gets its mitts on you and your day is over. So what are you gonna do?
Have you figured it out?
I’m going to tell you. You’re going to send the gingerbread twins out to fight it while you wait for your mana to recharge so you can cast a spell that will get rid of this monster. Good job. You just sacrificed a pair of kids to a demon to save your own skin.
And you probably allowed the cages of the damned to be unlocked in the process. You’re a real hero now. Go eat your stolen gingerbread. You deserve it.
Reason #87: Children
So, in MTG you’re a wizard, right? You summon creatures to fight battles on your behalf. Well, these goobers are among the thousands of creatures at your beck and call. That’s right. You’re using child soldiers now.
Also, that food token they brought along with them was stolen. You know the fairy tales; you know how the story goes; the food was stolen.
Reason #3,342: They tried to talk it out.
Well, maybe some of them did at least. It didn’t work. There was collateral damage. I wonder when exactly the people of Yotia realized that the MTG Multiverse was a terrible place to live.
Reason #891: Bad Dreams
Just Phyrexia dropping in to say hello.
Reason #3,341: This card…
Let’s do it for…this guy. Man. Playing against this card is not a fun experience for me.
Maybe adrift in time and space is a good place for Teferi to be.
I’m sorry. Those were my feelings talking. I’m fine.
To its credit, this card never got banned. It probably wouldn’t even make a top ten of the most oppressive cards released in the last five years.
Reason #3,340: “Adrift in the currents of time” doesn’t sound good.
The MTG Multiverse always has some cataclysmic crisis that needs averting. So when I say, “What were you thinking getting adrift in the currents of time?” Teferi will answer, “It was the only way to stop the [insert crisis here].” I get it.
Let me throw out an idea here. Maybe we’re being a little reactive to our problems here? Maybe if we were proactive with problem solving… . Like for instance, maybe if we say, “Hey Yawgmoth, what if we DIDN’T develop the glistening oil? We don’t doubt that you can. But maybe doing that might not be the best idea.” Or maybe we we could get Urza and Mishra to talk through their differences.
Yes, I know they tried that! But does anyone really want to have to hit the reset button AGAIN? I’m trying to help you guys. Maybe get them some professional counseling or something. For Teferi?
Reason #3,339: Snow and Sorrow
The MTG Multiverse sure does seem to like hitting the reset button.