Reason #1,374: Souls. Lots of souls

This Starke character seems to have just punted on the bones all together. I’m a little fuzzy on my Tempest lore (and a little too lazy to go looking it up), but I think Starke was a traitor himself. To Gerrard? Whatever happened to building walls out of normal stuff like brick or stone or …

Reason #1,373: Where did they get all those corpses? Ew…

Oh man. I mean, I know people resort to pretty brutal things in times of war, and that in itself is horrible enough. But this is gross and probably unsanitary. And this Kaervek sounds like he did this on purpose. And if we’re being sticklers here, I definitely see some wood in that wall too. …

Reason #1,372: That’s a lot of bones

Another card with an extensive history in Magic, Wall of Bone has ten different printings. And looking at this wall, I gotta ask, “Where did they get all those bones?” Grave robbing? Some of those bones look huge. Whose grave did they rob? I don’t know about this idea, guys. Here’s another version of the …

Reason #1,371: That’s a lot of swords

This card has appeared in twelve different MTG sets, so I think it’s safe to say that sword walls aren’t just one-offs in the MTG Multiverse. Aside from the fact that these aren’t exactly rarities, I think their existence raises a rather obvious and disturbing question, namely: Why exactly did the builders of the Wall …

Reason #747: Wait, THAT’S where those knives come from?

So, I really would not want to run into this guy in a dark alley. Or in the middle of the street. Or really anywhere. That’s a whole lot of sharp stuff with wings, and just a hunch, but I doubt he’s just looking for a hug. But guys. This is where the Rakdos get …

Reason #437: ‘Throatseekers’ plural

Perhaps the fact that this is a vampire should be explanation enough, but seriously. Why are you seeking my throat? Stay away from my throat! And as if one throatseeker wasn’t bad enough: This one’s not a vampire, so I don’t even know what its issue is. Probably not good. At least this one’s chained…

Reason #4,641: Drowning in a cistern

Welcome back to Ravnica’s sewers, folks. This one’s kind of gross. Seems like a really bad way to go. Also, that poor horse! Based on the flavor text, though, it sounds like rot farming is a thing in Ravnica? So, it seems safe to assume that there a nontrivial amount of these sorts of filth …

Reason #746: Can we cut it out with the knives?

Well, here we are back on Dominaria, and look what we have. Another dingus running around with an egregious amount of sharp things. Remember when your mom told you not to run with scissors? That principle applies to knives and chains with spikes and hooks…and scythes…uh…and spiked balls… . Oh dear…

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