Reason #880: Bontu’s back.

Here she is. And she’s a zombie. Just makin’ a mess of Ravnica. The so-called ‘gods’ of the MTG Multiverse don’t impress me much. It often seems like the planeswalkers are actually more powerful, than say the gods of Amonkhet or Theros or wherever. Case in point, Bolas killing and enslaving the Amonkhet gods. Also, …

Reason #873: Did you catch all that?

Right. So. The promised paradise beyond the gates to the afterlife is actually just more barren desert full of monsters. The scorpion god killed Rhonas, Kefnet, and Oketra. All the gods are actually related, so we’re getting some hard-core fratricide and sororicide going on here. We had a locus god bring a swarm of locusts …

Reason #860: The gods must be crazy.

So Bontu’s gone off the rails. No need to panic. What about this god-pharaoh everyone’s talking about? Look at those suns. The god-pharaoh will be back soon. They’ll help us out, right? I be they set everything straight, and it’ll be fine.

Reason #859: Where are you taking that blood?

You’re giving that blood to Bontu? Why would you give that blood to Bontu? What the crud? Surely, Bontu will not accept such a terrible offering. You murdered your crop-mate to get that blood! Guess what, folks. Bontu accepted the blood.

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