Reason #4,821: Shall we play a game?

I’m getting a “War Games” vibe here. Toppling kingdoms, you say? Do you mean literal kingdoms? What kind of game are we talking about here? I want to read the fine print before I sign up for this. Or maybe I’ll just pass. It’s fine.

Reason #9,999: I told you not to go in the woods

But did you listen? No. “Let’s go on a quest,” you said. “Let’s have an adventure,” you said. “It will be fun.” Well, guess what. You found this. In the woods. Where you went, where I told you not to go. This one’s on you. I wash my hands of this.

Reason #3,509: Fairy-tale speed-dating?

Is this what people do in Eldraine? Just go around kissing randos? Based on what Marawen here has to say, I’m guessing these people didn’t actually know each other. Not sure this is the best way to establish a strong foundation for a relationship. Just seems a bit rash. And speaking of rashes, is kissing …

Reason #7,982: Don’t try this at home

So you’ve probably heard this, but here’s a thing about armor: the joints are the weak points. This knight has her entire right arm bare, with little to no protection for the shoulder joint and the underarm. That’s where people will be aiming the pointy things. Just sayin’. Oh, also: don’t hold long metal objects …

Reason #5,304: It moves

I don’t know that this fellow is actively malicious, though the card text suggests maybe he’s targeting anything that’s not a giant. Whatever the case, living anywhere near this guy just doesn’t seem safe. He might just pick up your house and walk off with it.

Reason #8,009: Build a moat

Why do I need a moat, Syr Branigan? Not that I doubt your advice. Far from it. I just want to know exactly what we’re up against. This is the MTG Multiverse, after all. I mean, how big is this thing? And why are its eyes on fire? Should I build my own moat, or …

Reason #3,009: Eldraine also has public safety issues

Yeah, you remember those mountain roads in Innistrad without guardrails? Well, not to be outdone, Eldraine decided to build a tournament ground at the base of an active volcano.

Reason #4,048: There is no right side to be on

This card just makes me uncomfortable when I really start to think about it. Is it weird that I feel bad for the bears? Would the bears appreciate my moral support in this situation? Or would they just want to eat me? I mean, the source material is a story about a home invasion. The …

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