Reason #9,999: I told you not to go in the woods

But did you listen? No. “Let’s go on a quest,” you said. “Let’s have an adventure,” you said. “It will be fun.” Well, guess what. You found this. In the woods. Where you went, where I told you not to go. This one’s on you. I wash my hands of this.

Reason #6,643: I see your Hedron Crab, and I raise you…

I guess Innistrad was feeling a little outdone by Zendikar, cause it decided to make one of these. Giant Eldrazi crabs: yup, that’s a thing now. “Thanks, Innistrad,” said no one ever.

Reason #7,544: Stop it with the souls!

When I said to stop making walls out of souls, that wasn’t an invitation to go use them to make something else. Can’t we just leave the souls alone? Let them be souls. Don’t displace them, or reave them, or torment them, or use them to build furniture or cooking implements. If they’re dead, don’t …

Reason #8,332: Clean your tools

Why do its scars cut deeper than its blade? Because it’s rusty. If you cut yourself on this, you’ll probably get tetanus or something. Also, this thing looks like it could just snap off at any time. Get your shots. Take care of your equipment.

Reason #7,982: Don’t try this at home

So you’ve probably heard this, but here’s a thing about armor: the joints are the weak points. This knight has her entire right arm bare, with little to no protection for the shoulder joint and the underarm. That’s where people will be aiming the pointy things. Just sayin’. Oh, also: don’t hold long metal objects …

Reason #379: Get out of the way!

Getting hit with that flaming metal ball would be a real bad day on the plane of Ravnica. Why is this zombie monster stomping around the streets of Ravinica? Where do these things come from? Well, I will tell you why and where they come from, dear reader. The dreadhorde butcher is part of the …

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