Nicol Bolas – 10,000 Reasons Why the MTG Multiverse is a Terrible Place to Live

Reason #3,770: There goes the sun.

They blot out the sun. For five days. And they yell the entire time. I gotta ask: why in the world did Nicol Bolas want to conquer this plane? This place is stupid. Why would anyone want to live here? Ravnica is stupid! Nicol Bolas is stupid! This whole stupid multiverse is stupid! … I’m …

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Reason #6,814: My favorite card.

This is my favorite card. Is it the best card in Magic? No. Is it a great way to close out a game? You betcha! I’ve been running a mono-black deck lately in Historic on Arena. It’s sort of a devotion-style deck, but I don’t lean hard into Gary–think I’m running just two–and I have …

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Reason #880: Bontu’s back.

Here she is. And she’s a zombie. Just makin’ a mess of Ravnica. The so-called ‘gods’ of the MTG Multiverse don’t impress me much. It often seems like the planeswalkers are actually more powerful, than say the gods of Amonkhet or Theros or wherever. Case in point, Bolas killing and enslaving the Amonkhet gods. Also, …

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Reason #879: We’re not finished yet.

Look, everyone! The gods of Amonkhet are back! And guess what! Bolas turned them into zombie warriors for his dreadhorde!

Reason #878: So Nicol Bolas, now that you have your own dreadhorde, what are you going to do?

“I’m going to Ravnica!”

Reason #877: Imminent doom

The doom is no longer imminent, folks. It’s here.

Reason #876: There goes the neighborhood

Long story short, the whole city is pretty much a ruin at this point. Nicol Bolas won. The gods are dead (except for the one-armed Hazoret). There are zombies everywhere. Everything is just bad.

Reason #873: Did you catch all that?

Right. So. The promised paradise beyond the gates to the afterlife is actually just more barren desert full of monsters. The scorpion god killed Rhonas, Kefnet, and Oketra. All the gods are actually related, so we’re getting some hard-core fratricide and sororicide going on here. We had a locus god bring a swarm of locusts …

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Reason #872: Your god-pharaoh is a liar.

Hence the name.

Reason #871: The reason I don’t want to visit Amonkhet

One reason among many really. But yes. This is the so-called god-pharaoh, that guy who built the dreadhorde and used all those zombies to invade Ravnica. Real nice fellow, eh? I’ll just take a hard pass on this Nicol Bolas. Hard pass on Amonkhet. Hard pass on Ravnica. Hard pass on this whole stupid multiverse.