I know that’s not what they were going for, but I’m having some Titus Andronicus flashbacks here. We all know by now that the original Grimm’s Fairy Tales are not kid-friendly. MTG’s new October 2019 expansion, Throne of Eldraine, is pulling no punches in that regard. And, if we’re sticking to the source material, I …
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Reason #1,376: If these walls could speak
But they can’t speak. That would be the wall of mouths. What is with planeswalkers and this fetish for making walls out of things walls should not be made out of?
Reason #2,008: Pretty sure this breaks the Geneva Convention
Rule 92 forbids the use of human test subjects for medical or scientific experiments unjustified for the subject’s health. Mutilation of said subjects is also forbidden. Not that I expect Vedalken physicians care much about the Geneva Convention. The MTG Wiki describes the Vedalken as having “a dispassionate view toward life,” so go figure. I’m …
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Reason #1,771: Worse than a bobbit worm
This is a crater hellion. This is a bobbit worm. The bobbit worm can grow up to 10 feet long. That’s huge. It hides in the sand, waiting for prey to pass over. Then it shoots out and snatches them out of the water, sometimes biting them in half. It can also inject them with …
Reason #9,662: I hate roaches
When I was a kid, my grandma lived in Georgia, north of Atlanta, and we went to visit her often. So I became well acquainted with roaches. Never liked ’em. When I was in elementary school, we went to a science museum once. They had an exhibit with cockroaches that they’d trained to play basketball. …
Reason #3,049: That looks like more than an allergy
“Allergies” I don’t think tend to melt the flesh off your bones. Or create spiky…protrusions…or something? Man, I don’t know what’s going on here. Probably too late to go see a doctor. Vaccinate your kids. Vaccinate your pets. Vaccinate yourselves.
Reason #7,704: As if normal zombies weren’t bad enough
Now we have zombie dinosaurs. From what I gather from the lore, dinosaurs have so far only appeared on the planes of Ixalan and Dominaria. So congratulations, Innistrad! You dodged a bullet there.
Reason#7,934: Disease vectors
I’m betting this guy is working with Vilis. Just a hunch.
Reason #7,933: Unregulated blood transfusions
So I’ll admit I’m making a few assumptions here. But. His name is Vilis (vile? Anyone?). He’s a demon. I mean, I don’t actually know what he’s doing with that blood he’s brokering, but…it seems to me like contracts sealed in blood usually don’t favor the person giving away the blood. Also observe that Vilis’s …
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Reason #6,642: They have them on Zendikar too
If you ever visit Zendikar, you’ll probably run into the hedrons, large floating monoliths. We’re not really concerned with what they do here. They vary in size, but the next card should give you a bit of a sense of scale. See. There’s a hedron stone in the background. And now we go back to …
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10,000 Reasons Why the MTG Multiverse is a Terrible Place to Live 